Saturday, April 16, 2016

I am an Addict

Wow it feels good to get THAT off my chest.  Oh wait, I forgot to mention what I am addicted to.  You would think it would be a powerful drug, narcotic, alcohol, sex? Nope, the thing that does it for me is FOOD!  Usually high carb, high fat, high sugar crap or as they call them in bariatric-land, slider foods.

Truth be told, I am powerless against it. Most people know how to control what they consume, but I do not.  I really want to, but when it comes to crap food, my mind goes blank and I just start to shovel it in.  A lot of times it makes me sick now, but I find that I go right back to it the very next day.  I must be crazy.

I even went so far as to have 90% of my stomach removed (Bariatric Sleeve) in September of 2014.  Sure, I lost lots of weight (130lbs). I have never gotten to where I really want to be, weight wise, though (I'd be happy being 199 at this point!).  And now I find myself slipping quickly back into my illicite food addiction once again.

It always starts slow and quietly.  Maybe a piece of bread here or a small bag of chips there, you are staying within your calorie limit for the day, you give up something healthy always for something you know is not good for you.  Then before you know it, you are hiding in the bathroom with your 3rd piece of cheese and you know damn well you are not hungry, but you just have to have it before you go to bed.

Speaking of thinking you are always hungry, but you know you are not.  I never learned how to differentiate between actually being hungry and being bored, I think that is part of my problem.  As a child I was always told to clean my plate and because I was a good kid, I did what my parents told me.  There would always be rewards of ice cream or cake for doing so.

I feed my boredom with food instead of ideas or hobbies that won't add calories to my day or lbs to my size.  I am riddled with bad habits that I just can not seem to kick.  I never drink enough water, I wish I could love water like some, but it makes me gag.  Before you start screaming, crystal light or lemon or cucumber, I have tried all of the above.  I can not get it down without gagging.  I can drink coffee or tea so that is usually what I opt for or the ever present fruit juices cut by 50% with water.  I just can not drink water straight.

Being overweight is not fun.  It's hard to move sometimes, although not as much now as it was when I was 350lbs.  You are usually hot even when it's 32 degrees out.  Its nearly impossible to find clothes you actually LIKE to wear, short of making you look like you are old and frumpy.  It's a miserable existence but yet you learn how to justify your bad habits and long for the day that you wake up and realize it was all just a dream.  But that never happens.

I want to change.  If I didn't want to change I would have never had that surgery. But like a heroin or alcohol addict needs their fix, so do I.  Some would say that it would be easier to kick a drug habit as opposed to a food one.  You can live without heroin or alcohol, you can't live without feeding yourself.