Saturday, May 14, 2016

Better Angels 2.0

I actually started this blog about 6 or more years ago, I didn't really have any direction or reason why I started it other than I just needed an outlet for my own frustrations and rants. When I started to find some direction with where I was going with this blog, I pulled a bunch of posts I had written while I did not have a direction.  So, even though time has past and this post is about 3 years old now.  I think that these feelings are still valid.  I had plenty of medical problems back then, this was before my bariatric surgery and I did think of death, probably a little more than what I should have.    

So today I reflect with this post I called, Better Angels...

Death, the end to a beautiful existence.  No more tomorrow, no more sorrow, pain or understanding.  This week marks the 11th year of my mother's passing. (March 25th, 2001 - 9:50pm) It never gets any easier or less painful.  I find that I can keep from crying over the loss better than when it originally happened and for years after, for that matter.  But this year, this year, It just seems worse than other years. 

Our family dog passed last week, that probably doesn't help my emotional state at the moment.  Maybe that's why it seems worse this year than it has in a while.  I have always said that I'm not really a "dog" person, I'm more of a "cat" person, but truth be told, I really miss Albany.  That's what her name was, Albany.  She was 15 years old, that Irish Weasel Hound and although we do seem to have longevity in our pets, it just makes it that much worst when they finally do go.  She went so fast, one day she got sick and two days later she was gone.  She's buried in the back yard now.
I think about death once in awhile.  I mean, I don't dwell on it, but let's face it.  Everyone will die eventually and since I do have some health problems it only seems natural to think about these things.  I don't believe in God or heaven or hell or even an afterlife, although I do like to dream that maybe these things are possible but in my heart, I know better.
I pretty much believe that once you are gone, that's it, you're gone.  Back into the earth you must go, either whole or in ash, you are nothing more than fertilizer and memories.  So that being said, I try to make my life here on earth, right now, the best it can be.  I try to treat people with dignity, compassion, have empathy towards people who have not been as fortunate or lucky as I have been. I love all the creatures, flowers and fauna and see wonders in everyday things. 

I haven't been to my mother's grave in about 5 years.  I would get so depressed for weeks afterwards when I did go.  The way I see it is that she isn't really there, only thing that is there is a very expensive headstone.  For a long time I thought that I wanted to be buried in a coffin in the ground but I am starting to rethink that option.  Maybe I should just be cremated and scattered in the garden?  The only problem with that is that I don't like fire, guess it's a hangup from my catholic upbringing, but then again, it's just the shell that gets turned to ash.  

Sometimes I wonder what people will say about me once I'm gone.  I do worry about the human legacy that I will leave behind.  As I said before I try to treat all in my world and sometimes outside my world as I would want to be treated and by the better angels of our nature, I would hope others would follow and do the same.  Unfortunately sometimes you can not lead by words only by example and then sometimes that example is just not good enough for anyone to learn from.  

but such is life...and death...